Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYdiAz4ddIg

Somewhere along the road I lost where I stand. Swinging back and forth between paths, between opinions, between sad and tired. Eminem woke me up yesterday. "I can endure no more, I demand you remember who you are."

When did it become so hard to be ME? Simply be the big beautiful being I know I am. Why do I lose myself again and again, and go through these periods until I emerge on the other side. How many more times am I going to struggle, continue falling, then pick myself up. I am sick of it! I want to be happy. I am tried of these peaks and valleys that plague me throughout the year.

Why can't I just remember?

I know I am better than this. And even though I recognize it, I somehow find it impossible to get out of this funk.

Sad because I am sad.

Confusion, frustration, anger, weakness, wondering where that damn light is.

I tell myself that this is all part of growing up. But it is a hell of a lot easier to say that on the other side of this fog.

Have faith in this. Have faith in the process and understanding of sadness. Have faith in letting yourself feel it without any inhibitions. Have faith that letting myself feel is the only thing that will work through it.

And yet, faith can be the hardest thing to find.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Seeds

Something wet falls on my head. Please don't let it be bird shit. But it is a drop of water. Here is the sign I have been looking for. Plip plop dulop. Speak.

I was not born like this. I grew like this.

Grew. Grew into this being that knows better, but rarely does better. That thinks in rhymes and poems, and speaks plain so no one will think twice.

Born? You want to know what I was born like? A being that could change the world, that painted the sunsets, that wished on stars, that was meant to be BIG. Bigger than anyone in her life, expanding over the world, on talk shows and radio, NPR's most sought out guest. Born to live and to live like a firecracker.

This is the sign you have been waiting for. Stop waiting to be the biggest being you can be. The world is calling for you to live like you were born to be. More importantly your heart is calling you. The crook inside your ventricles that begs the word soul is tired of being cramped up and unused.

It is time to put the pen on the page. The ballet shoes on the wood floor. The wheels on the road. It is time to use the light that you were born with.

Seeds do not think about how to grow up. They know they are to be an onion or a pea pod or a strawberry and with a little love, light and soil they grow up right. We human beings get lost somewhere between being a seed and a strawberry.

This is the sign that says blossom.