http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBrx0heRem8
Why do I do this again and again?
Why don't I protect my heart more?
Why can't I just settle down and be satisfied?
I am about to leave. Again. I am about to jump off the deep end. Again. And with every beginning there is a pull at my heartstrings. Again.
Living has caused my heart to expand to depths I never imagined. And that expansion has left spaces that cannot always be filled. A little niche that holds every family who has taken me in. A niche that holds every stranger that every pointed the right way. A large niche for my home. A cupboard full of family and best friends. We cannot always keep those spaces filled. But it is important that they are there. It is important to let yourself go every time.
I am not ready to dance yet. I am not ready to let go again. But I know that it is my time. It is time again to kick out the dusty boots, put on the backpack, hold hands and take a deep breath. Or 50 deep breaths. Or however many it takes until my stomach stops clenching and I remember why I am doing this
Because to live, for me, is to move. Is to dance, is to twirl, is to sparkle my way into every corner, like the glitter that spilled and you still find in the crooks and crannys of your dresser. Like that shooting star you won't ever forget because he finally kissed you then. Like that oven fire on Thanksgiving, like that roman candle war, like that cowboy bandit thrown out of the window.
I am afraid. But don't let that stop you. Or at least that is what I have to tell myself. Where is the line between gut gear and chest fear? One you know tells you what you are doing is wrong, and the other tells you that it is right, just be aware.
It hurts to leave. My soul twists and turns like a corkscrew opening wine on a night when you're left alone to drink. But the more you ache the more you know that you have loved to the fullest. Can't have the sweet without the sour. Without an opposite we lose meaning. Yes cannot exist without a No. Light would not exist without darkness.
Pour it out your eyes. The aching will not leave, but the love won't either.
You speak to my heart as well. You are a sister of understanding. Hard to love one place, miss one place, love another place, miss another place....know that life is fleeting, that you are missing moments with people you care about, that you are making decisions that take you far away....so hard. So hard to trust that everyone will be okay, places will be okay, life will be grand, and that you are just going away so that you can bring life back to share. So hard....but it's the way it is....we are lucky to have such a hard problem...to miss so many cool people and to have so many beautiful places yet to see. Tough life. :) xo. Fly on that wind woman! As my chinese grandmother says: "All our good intentions and hopes fly with you". xoxo.
ReplyDeleteLove this Summer. "The more you ache the more you know you have loved to the fullest."
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