I haven't been anything extraordinary lately.
But the world continues to move in extraordinary ways. Always waiting for someone to notice, or not even waiting at all, but twirling on through time. Life doesn't wait for me to catch up.
I have not mentioned how much I love our little house in Bozeman. It is messy, and often hairy (thanks Gypsy) but it is familiar and more familiar than any place I've stayed in years. It welcomes me each morning, drawers in the same place, coffee in the same cupboard, and bowls in the same nest. I do not have to tip-toe around, wondering how the hell anyone takes a hot shower, or wondering if it is time for dinner. It is MY house, at least for now, and in that there is a place that lets my bones rest and stay awhile.
One of the reasons I feel so odd posting in this blog is because even though what I write is honest and I do it for myself, I began to feel as though I live two worlds. One in which I interact with real people, and the other where I express my true feelings and thoughts. And making those two worlds mesh feels near impossible sometimes. Example: A classmate and I are talking and although I want to get closer, I am blocked somehow from saying what I actually feel.
Classmate: How are you?
Me: oh, pretty good. Enjoying the reading
Classmate: Cool.
How I REALLY wish this would go:
Classmate: How are you?
Me: I am feeling a little stuck. My brain and body feel disconnected and I am struggling to reconnect. I saw the full moon last night and I didn't feel anything. It was terrifying. Where has my wildness and heart gone?
Classmate: I am so glad you shared that with me.
HA! And yet, even as I try to say something that is a little more honest, I am often greeted with strange looks which is even stranger because I know that I am not the only one feeling this way!
How does one make authentic friends? How do I find people that actually understand what I am saying and don't find it weird? But mostly, how did I bring the people in my life into this world as well as the world I actually speak to them in?
How do I speak honestly in the 'real world' and be understood?
Ramblings of a stuck soul trying to mesh and blend and make something out of this beautiful day I have been given.
Ugh, I hate the "How are you?" question asked by acquaintances. There are SO many things I could say, but instead it is always the mindless "I"m pretty good, how are you?" Why can't we be honest?
ReplyDelete